Bowling (and other) Humour
"Let's have a bit of banter
in the Locker Room"
In this section we intend to provide
jokes, cartoons, humorous stories, (true, false or apocryphal),
and anything that will make you smile. We really need contributors
for this so we will welcome any stories from members (or
even about members) and guests Worldwide. Send them in!
Apologies to visitors from countries who don't understand the Scottish
Note: stories that
are a wee bit risque are fine but remember that this is a family
One of the old stories that is still
funny today supposedly happened in the Vale a few Years
ago. A well known skip was having a hard time from the other three
in his team who had failed to contribute anything throughout the
At the last end the third walked down
to the mat to play his first bowl and pausing, shouted back up
the rink. "Where's oor nearest bool?".
"In yer ******* hand!", answered the
Historical evidence has been found that William Tell and his
family were avid bowlers (known as lawn bowling at the time). However,
all the league records were unfortunately lost to antiquity. Thus
we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
I suppose the world should know of the happenings
in Perth some years ago. I am assured by one of the people involved that this
is not an urban myth! (I refrain from mentioning names to avoid giving offence.)
The story goes that Player A (the third) collapses on the green
just as Player B (the skip) is about to let go of his bowl. The others call out
to B to stop. B has a look and responds with "It's OK, I can draw around him!" The
claim is that A heard this and this is the thing which gave him the will to survive
his heart attack
If you can always roll the jack, right at your
If you can always draw the shot, the one that must be beat.
asked to play a 'yard on' do you judge it to perfection?
And when you're called
to drive, can you always make correction?
If you can come up smiling when the
Puts your good shot out of play and treats it as a joke.
the one who saves the day, I'll say to you my son,
"You're a bloody hero,
what's more the only one!"
Up and down, walking walking,
Often measuring, sometimes
Shifting mats - keeping score,
thirty ends, maybe more;
- tired of limb,
Cheers for others, none for him,
Night draws on, darker, darker,
No one cares for he's the marker!
"There's nothing wrong with saying hard luck!
Just learn to do
it without the snigger."
The club secretary was visiting a fellow bowler in a brand new hospital,
and asked about the place and things in general.
"The nurses are very good and so is the treatment" came
the reply, "But the food gets a bit boring."
What do you mean boring asked the secretary ?
Well we get "Haggis" for
breakfast, "Haggis"for our lunch
and then "Haggis"again for supper.
Well what do you expect says the secretary!
"THIS IS THE BURNS UNIT"
I rang up my local bowling club, I said "Is that the local bowling club?"
He said "It depends where you're calling from."
VISIT OUR SPECIAL CHIC MURRAY HUMOUR
Wailing Wall (or the notice board at the Vale)
They beat their breasts and cried
As they faced the northern wall,
Where the selectors had placed the
On the notice board was their call.
There were some that swore
and some that cried,
And some who stood and muttered
Some were proud, some were
And others merely stuttered.
There were voices raised in anger,
split the air,
There were those who didn't say a thing,
Because they really didn't
"I wont play with him", one said,
"He's a bloody hopeless
And one who very quietly said,
"It's time I took my trip."
were many self selections,
There were lots of "bloody hells!"
weren't very many
who said the Selectors had done well.
knew who should be there,
They knew who to pick,
Just ask them when you hear
selector is a $$##@!."
Each year the tears get deeper,
As on the floor
From those who stand in anguish
Before the wailing wall.
much am I short?"
Skip: "You ought to know, you're closer to it"
" If your Skip wants an opinion, He'll give it to you".
Definition of a Novice:
A new convert to bowls who confesses he knows nothing about the game and then
becomes angry when you agree with him.
A SELECTORS PRAYER
Blessed are they who can play
Blessed are they who can still be taught
Blessed are they who accept with
To play in any selected place.